I don’t know what to do
I do know I need to travel
and that a 9-5 isn’t going to cut it for me
this is a scary leap but I think I’m going to wwoof or join the PC because I need to go places
I did one thing that was good and
One thing that made me cringe
its been years
We don’t speak
I have finally pushed you out of my mind as much as I ever have
and I dream of you. not as I wish things were but as they really are
we’re in a cave with a lake but somehow its very realistic.
we talk about everything and I wake up missing you so much
you’ve moved on and I should have too but as much as I find people to spend time with and have good relationships
nothing is ever quite as certain as we were (which makes no sense because we ended) I was just so certain and though I am not the same person at all as when we were together I remember her very well. and you. I remember you very well. Every other ex is a blur but I can’t see you as an ex. I see you as the love of my life that I left slip away.
I could never hold back the tears when we talked after things ended and I know that talking to me was miserable. I just knew you were gone forever and I couldn’t handle myself.
I look for you in every man I meet and everything I ever create is because of your influence.
When it was over I knew I’d still love you forever but I just didn’t know how much I would still hurt. It still hurts almost as much today as the day you gave up on me.
I don’t think you were so special to me because you were first, either. I think its because you were right for me and just a good man. You made me want to be the best me.
When I think about why we ended and why this happened I still feel sick because neither of us were tired of the other. I could never imagine myself getting tired of you and I remember when we met years later on Easter and you followed me home and we kissed as the sun came up and you told me to never speak to you again. and I did because I couldn’t not talk to you. I still can’t not talk to you so I write here or I write in my journal. you are the reason I started both habits.
One day I will write the book. Our story is really special even though its heart breaking. I just wish I could go back in time. Or more realistically be your friend now. I don’t want to disrupt your life. I just miss you and feel pathetic.
I should have known my ex was bad
he didn’t like harry potter and that’s really a huge red flag