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expires the 15th.
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I haven’t written in my journal lately. I think tonight I have to. My subconscious is using my punching bag as I sleep.
I had a dream last night that Faith and my first boyfriend and I were on this human hunt. There were water slides and Faith chose to sleep in the office with a drippy faucet. We carried a machine guns and a fat naked black woman was there with a small naked Tawianese boy. Water slides. Why water slides? Why exboyfriend who I never think about? Why Faith who I haven’t seen in a while? It kind of bums me out because I don’t think about happy stuff when he get brought up. I think about being really unwell, dependent, and demonized. I am can feel far from it but then my brain throws it at me at the most random times. It is like sleep paralysis. Fuck you brain.
The weirdest part was waking up with a blister on my hand. My left hand. On the webbing between thumb and pointer.
Is that my gun hand?
My head is just a jumble of finals. Actually, it is a jumble of everything and those are an after thought. I admit. I am going to sell/give away all my stuff soon. I need so much less than what I have. It is so cathartic to get rid of things. Even things I love. Especially things I love. I have an exam in less than 1 hour. I feel stressed about next year’s exams. I feel numb about today. Tomorrow I have to make an 80 on my history exam in order to pass the class. I am going to watch all the videos, read the book, and pray to a God I don’t believe in.
Maybe that’s the problem. I go between caring too much and being just a notch above nihilism. Just enough to not be homicidal. I had hoped the coffee would revive me but I feel disturbed by it more than awaked. I have had too much.
I made a new friend. I have made two new friends recently and it is a nice feeling to make a new friend you feel connected with. Or alike in some tragic way. That is the case for my new friends. They don’t yet know each other but I feel a similar thing to what I felt like when K and L and I were the trio. Only they were both narcissists and maybe I was, too but I am over it. And now they hate each other instead of themselves.
Clark is a vegan. I am not really sure, though, because he doesn’t talk about it. We had one really great bonding conversation and realized we’re soulmates (who have the same taste in men). I think we will soon go on adventures around Smithville where he happens to know a lot of forrest fairy folk that I also know.
Coincidentally, that is the area where Joel lives. He is new to town and a musician but somehow one who doesn’t have his head in his ass. he’s leaving music and going back to school for literature and writing a book. We talked for a long time, also. A little about about women. We have very different taste in them, actually. I have this lovely friend who I want to smoosh him together with but I am not sure yet. My matchmaking has been going very well recently, though.
Too many people read this blog or I would elaborate on who I have smooshed recently. Maybe when they’re official I will talk about it more. Either way, good things are happening for my housemates in the romance department. It makes me miss my boo. He will be here soon, though. Max in tow!
I just had a nice conversation with a girl who is about to take the same exam I am. It helped. I really need people. I have been reading more lately and there is this part in the Vonnegut short story Kory had lent me that said when men and women are a couple and they argue, they really are fighting about how they aren’t more people. Maybe that doesn’t make sense when I write it out but it is great. God bless Dr. Kevorkian is the title. I am also reading the tiger’s wife and a book by Zadie Smith called White Teeth. I actually took a break from Tiger’s wife because it depressed me even though its beautiful and well written. It just reminds me of sad stuff. I am trying to get away from the Serbia obsession a little bit. I still love it but I think I held on to it for a long time for unhealthy reasons, subconsciously. I like the language and I am not done learning it but I am also going to be fluent in Hungarian at the end of summer if I have my way… Not to replace the obsession but even if it was to replace it, why not? I have only good things to connect myself with Hungarian.
White Teeth is great. I love her writing style and the story.
Communicate: Talk about things, the good and bad. Build trusts. Be honest. Be faithful. Be there for one another. Make time for one another. Leave the past to the past, which include ex’s. Know that having arguments are normal. Know that you won’t always be happy. Don’t expect change. Appreciate the flaws. Appreciate each other. Become best friends. Lastly, love each other unconditionally.